BIRMINGHAM, AL (WBRC) - The following is a commentary blog from WBRC FOX6 Sports Director Rick Karle:
Are you still having college football withdrawal? Is the football void in your life still as large as Bret Bielema's appetite? Hang in there, as we're only about fourteen weeks from SEC Media Days!
I for one am glad that these coaches always speak with class and grace. I mean, can you imagine if some of these presidential candidates we have heard from over the last several weeks were actually SEC coaches? What would happen if they all assembled at SEC Media Days to make their case? This is what they might sound like:
LSU coach Donald Trump: "Thank you for having me here today. As I make my case, let me remind you that I'm not like these other corporate, cookie-cutter football coaches. You see, while I coach football, I consider myself to be an outsider - a man who is for the people, the great people of Louisiana and the SEC. My main goal this fall is to make LSU football great again. And we're going to do just that. We will go unbeaten, win the SEC and the national championship. Don't ask me how we're going to do it, we're just going to it."
Alabama coach Marco Rubio: "There's nothing that can beat fundamental, conservative football. And the key? To have a reliable quarterback, something they haven't had at LSU since 2003, which by the way, was when the team was led by a man named Marco Rubio."
LSU coach Donald Trump: "We're one minute into this presentation and "Little Marco" is already blasting LSU. Sit down, you choker."
Alabama coach Marco Rubio: "OK, you con artist, I'll be up in my office counting the national championship rings on my coffee table. Remember, it's all about consistency in performance."
Arkansas coach Chris Christie: "There you go again, Marco, saying the same things all the time, like, 'It's all about consistency in performance,' and, 'It's all about the process.' How about saying something original and thinking big? I have always thought big. Here in Fayetteville, it's all about big Hogs. I should know. I ate one this morning."
LSU coach Donald Trump: "Hey Chris, care to endorse me sometime down the line? Anyway, there's no doubt that I can help make the SEC great again. One way is to keep the Vanderbilt and Kentucky football players away from other campuses. The solution? We're going to build a wall around the cities of Lexington and Nashville, and John Calipari is going to pay for them."
Alabama coach Marco Rubio: "This is why The Donald has become a laughing stock in SEC football. You know that he will never help build a wall, after all, look at his small hands. And you know that they say about coaches with small hands."
Miss. State coach Scott Walker: "What, they have small offensive linemen?"
Missouri coach Rick Santorum: "I have to say that if Trump built walls around Lexington and Nashville he'd do it with illegal 3-star recruits."
Auburn coach John Kasich: "Mind if I butt in here? I just wanted to ask Alabama coach Rubio if he has a second. Get it? Have a second? Oh man, that one makes me chuckle every time."
Florida coach Ted Cruz: "The last time The Donald went on a recruiting trip he asked Dennis Rodman to be his tight ends coach after firing him from The Apprentice. We don't need more apprentices in the SEC, we already have Kirby Smart, Will Muschamp and Barry Odom."
Auburn coach John Kasich: "Can we please stop the backbiting? I just want SEC fans to know the Auburn family plans on doing it the right way this fall. And if we can't turn it around, we can take pride in having the nation's largest video screen. Don't laugh.. ya ever watch The Walking Dead on that baby?"
South Carolina coach Jeb Bush: "The Walking Dead? Wasn't that your offense last fall? But I do agree with John in putting an end to all of this the bickering, and I also agree that Auburn has the nation's largest video screen."
LSU coach Les Miles: "Sit down, Jeb...and by the way, we really don't need another Bush in the SEC. Or are those the Stoops?
Kentucky coach Ben Carson: "Can someone attack me, please?"
LSU coach Donald Trump: "Hey John and Ben, ssshhhh...there's a reason you are both are standing at the end podiums: your defensive lines suck."
Alabama coach Marco Rubio: "Have some class, you con artist."
LSU Coach Donald Trump: "Look at Little Marco, will ya? And can you see all of that sweat? He looks like he jumped into Lake Lurleen."
Ole Miss coach Rick Perry: "Can I get in a few comments? I remind you that we have beaten Little Marco's Alabama team the last two seasons, which has helped make Perry the most popular person in our state."
LSU coach Donald Trump: "That's Katy Perry, not Rick Perry, you idiot."
Ole Miss coach Rick Perry: "Oh. Well, at least I have great-looking glasses."
LSU coach Donald Trump: "Don't forget that I have a unique talent...I eat grass. In fact someone once asked me if I coach better on grass or AstroTurf and I told them I didn't know because I've never smoked AstroTurf. Man, am I killing it today!"
Texas A&M coach Mike Huckabee: "Since this is the only time I will get to address the crowd, let me say that we have a great thing going at TAMU, what with Johnny Manziel helping us defeat Alabama and all. Oh, that was in 2012? By golly, where does the time go?"
Tennessee coach Rand Paul: "C'mon Mike, get it together. Look at how far we have come in Knoxville. In fact I'm calling Peyton Manning today to see if he'd like to be my offensive coordinator."
LSU coach Donald Trump: "If that ever happened, Rand, you'd be hearing, 'You're fired' in less than 12 months."
Florida coach Ted Cruz: "Can we wrap it up here? Heidi and I are heading out on a recruiting trip to Florida. Gotta tell you, there's nothing like enjoying some of those pecan log rolls at Stuckey's. Our founding fathers had to love them!"
LSU coach Donald Trump: "In closing, I want to say how much we all love SEC football. Of course I love it the most and I love you all, I really do. I will say that we're all trying to make the SEC great again. Well, all of the teams in the SEC other than Alabama, where Little Marco has been great for years. I'm sorry that coaches Sanders and Clinton did not join us today. Hillary been spending time at the SEC office raising ticket prices while Sanders has been figuring out a way to give free tickets to everyone. For all of these total losers on the stage, I thank you for being here. Now it's time for me to hop on "Hair Force One" and do some recruiting, after which I'll chopper over to my mansion in Florida to receive a pedicure and a massage with my wife, the former
model. And all the while I will be thinking of the little people, even Little Marco. Have a great day, and remember, I'm just like you!"