BIRMINGHAM, AL (WBRC) - The following is a commentary blog from WBRC FOX6 Sports Director Rick Karle:
I just returned from Dallas where I want to wish you a Happy New Year! While Nick Saban is no doubt very busy preparing his team to face Clemson in the national championship game, I thought I'd help him out. I thought I'd write up a quick draft to Fox Sports radio host Colin Cowherd to set him straight. If the coach likes the draft, perhaps he can send it straight to Colin, who recently bashed the Bama football team calling it "boring." And don't feel you need to pay me back anytime soon coach, although a round of golf or an invitation to your place at Lake Burton might suffice.
In case you missed Cowherd's comments:
Here we go!
Mr. Colin Cowherd
10201 West Pico Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90064
I hope you had a very exciting, fast-paced Happy New Year. I apologize for not writing you sooner, but I lost track of you since you were sent packing by ESPN. While no one on my staff has seen you since, I do hear that you have landed on your feet, and for that the nation is thankful. Of course, you can imagine how boring my life has been over the last few weeks here in the backwoods of Alabama. While I haven't had much to do recently, I did get a chance to take a quick trip to Dallas only days ago. It was there that my football team smashed the living daylights out of the 3rd-ranked football team in the nation. You may have read that we beat Michigan State by the score of 38-0, as I made sure that I didn't order my players to score sixty and thus ruin my team's reputation of being, as you call it, "bland." I wanted to write you let you know how much I enjoyed your recent comments. You not only called my team boring and bland, but you called my team's quarterback play "unwatchable", my star tailback a "replaceable part" and my squad "much like Wal-Mart.. big and powerful while squishing moms and pops". If I could indulge you for just a few minutes, I wanted to address each of your comments.
First, your insistence that my team is boring. I couldn't agree more- in fact when you think about it, you can't spell "Alabama Crimson Tide" without "borin'". Take my defense, for example: The unit is ranked #1 in the nation in rush defense, holding opponents to an average of 146 less rushing yards than their game average (the Michigan State game is a perfect example, as the Spartans went into the national semi-final averaging 167 rushing yards a game and came out with a whopping 29 rushing yards). I'm with you on this one, as my defenders are as boring as they come. I mean, we only had 4 sacks, 6 quarterback hurries and 2 picks against the Spartans. My suggestion for fans would be to direct them to Pac-12 defenses. Oregon, for example, is ranked 115th in the nation, allowing teams to chalk up big numbers. I'm with you - if you want to see a defense that really gets that heart beating, watch Oregon. Watching my defense that pitched a shutout on Thursday? Who needs it?
You called my quarterback play "unwatchable". I'm with you on this one too, big guy. After all, all Jake Coker did the other night was complete 25 of 30 passes for a career-high 286 yards, 2 TD's and no picks. Those 50-yard bombs to true freshman Calvin Ridley? Boring! Look, Colin - between you and me, Jake is a good kid who likes to drive his GMC Sierra pickup truck on hunting trips. Perhaps I'll fly him out to Los Angeles so you can show him your city's down-home folks- I'm sure he'd love that. Now Jake did lead his team to 38 points against a team that beat Michigan, Ohio State, and Iowa, but I just wish he could have been, well, more snappy! And I do want to apologize on behalf of my offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin. Reports had him mouthing the word "b-o-r-i-n-g" seconds after Ridley caught one of his bombs against the Spartans. In no way were those words pointed at you, Colin, but rather at himself, as was kicking himself for not calling a more exciting play. And when we went to halftime leading the Spartans? I knew that everyone was in for a boring second half as while at Bama, my record is 95-6 when leading at intermission.
And your comments about calling my star tailback a "replaceable part"? Once again, I'm with you, as I was less than impressed that Derrick Henry rushed for only a few thousand yards this season and won the Heisman Trophy. Think about it: Derrick is a junior from boring Yulee, Florida, yet set the all-time SEC single-season rushing mark set 30 years ago by a guy named Herschel Walker (who I found to be boring too). Henry is only one of nineteen players in NCAA history to run for over 2,000 yards in a season, and he's broken Tim Tebow's single-season SEC touchdown mark. Like I said - a snoozer. I expected so much more.
And me? Look, I admit I'm the most boring college football coach in America- heck, my day starts with two Little Debbie's and a black coffee- what's exciting about that? And my career? Yuck! If I beat Clemson, I will only have four national championships in the last seven years. What will I do then? I'll land the nation's top recruiting class in February, play some golf surrounded by my personal golf instructors in April and May, hang out at my mansion at Lake Burton, GA in June, peek in on my Mercedes dealership in July, and continue to find ways to shelter some of my annual $7 million salary in August. And then I'll get another raise (yawn). After that? All I'll have to look forward to is finding ways to win my sixth career national title, which would equal the titles won by a former coach named Bryant. I hope you know that as I get late in my career, I only hoped that I would have reached greater heights.
I'm not sure when I'll be in touch with you again, so I have decided to have one of my good friends help us stay in touch. She will write you each and every time you remind the nation of how boring we are here in Tuscaloosa. She, in fact, is a bright, sunny, shy woman from Mulga, Alabama named Phyllis. I'm sure you will hear from her often.
I'm glad my people finally found you Colin, and I want to personally wish you great success in 2016. I also want to thank your scrawny Pac-12 butt for motivating my players and helping them win in the most boring fashion ever. Have a great year, and be sure to go on one of your huge Alabama rants in early December. It might just help me win it all… again.
Your boring friend Nick